Interoffice Memo to a Hokie Fan
by "We're Going," 10/10/02
To: We're Going
It has come to my attention that you will be conducting an unauthorized event in your cubicle Thursday, October 10, for which you have not filed the proper paperwork, received the proper approval, or have explained what you intend on doing as far as making up the billable hours you will be spending conducting this event.
Furthermore, having reviewed an unauthorized itinerary and having inspected your cubicle prior to the event, I should, as your supervisor, remind you of the following company policies:
1) Federal law prohibits firearms inside or within a certain number of feet of federal office buildings. This includes fireworks.
2) The low ceilings in our office coupled with the height of the "Grill 2 Go" currently erected in your cubicle could cause smoke and or heat to trigger the sprinkler system on our floor, ruining about a billion dollars worth of equipment and work.
3) Several of your coworkers have complained about your repeated insistence on playing marching band music on your computer without the use of headphones. This is inconsiderate to your coworkers.
4) A coworker yesterday heard you yell out several times while watching video clips on your computer....let me remind you that your computer is for work purposes only. This morning our IT department removed approximately 2.1 GB of football-related video and audio files from your hard drive.
5) Consumption of alcoholic beverages while on the job is grounds for immediate termination. Let me remind you of our conversation of September 1999 where I ruled then against your contention that lite beer is not an "alcoholic beverage."
6) A 71 year old female employee came to me yesterday with a bruise on her head suffered, apparently when you were playing catch in the office with a leather football. Horseplay in the office will not be tolerated as it creates a safety issue for all.
7) I am hoping that I am mistaken as to why the floor of your cubicle is covered with newspaper but if the rumor I hear is correct, PLEASE reconsider bringing a live turkey into the office.
8) This may be pure coincidence, but the last time your school had a night football game, I received several profane messages on my voicemail where the speaker, barely intelligible, was dissertating on how "[expletive deleted]ed up he was".....I couldn't help but notice that it's ironic how someone was intoxicated on a weeknight AND knew my phone number.
9) I received a call yesterday from a man named Brian Steinspring or something like that who said he was reviewing your application. I gave you a pretty good review but the questions soon turned to job tasks that I have not had the opportunity to evaluate you on, including "can he look off the primary receiver" and "do you employ any shotgun or multiple spread formations." I told him we were a government contractor, and he appeared confused. He was asking me about your "40 speed"; I assumed this was an IT term referring to how fast you can type and I said "he's got really good speed"....he said they'd get back to you regarding a "tryout".....if you aren't satisfied with your current position, I'd like to get your input on what exactly is wrong.
10) This morning when I went to put my lunch in the office freezer, I found it completely full of bratwurst, pork chops, and a strange box in the refrigerator that said "do not open" but appeared to have Jack Daniel's information spray painted over. The office refrigerator is for the entire office to share, please do not monopolize it.
If you have any questions about the company policies on the above situations, please do not hesitate to call me. Have a good day.